and i’ll tell the world about him later.

and you’re going to hate me, or be really upset. probably both. but what i said, and all your fears can’t even compare to what i feel. you even know how i feel and you completely cover up the fuck out of that shit. and like, the sudden stop, that hurt too, all over again, it brought back everything. everything brings back what was every single thing under the sun to me. and now, what’s left? this isn’t right, and now i’m made of fucking stone. with no sympathy for anyone for anything. straight up, it’s “damn dude, that sucks..” if anything at all. like, who the fuck is that? i was so caring, and tender. now i’m just angry, and sick, and tired, i’m so fucking tired of repeating the same cycle with you, pretending this time the end of the cycle will result in a strong, beautiful, healthy and happy friendship. you can’t be so close to me, you can’t think that i need you to be on call 24/7. i don’t. and even when or if i do, i don’t. cuz as soon as you turn around it’s the same feelings, same thoughts racing through my mind. i miss my best fucking friend, who the hell are you? i mean, i know who you are, i know how you feel inside and out and i hate it. part of it is so beautiful, but i can’t even fathom the though process in my head of how bad you feel. but how would you feel to get split. 6/6. 4 good, 1 okay, 1 bad, yeah, when we could manage to be on the same page as each other for more than a day, even a week, multiple weeks. 1 sad, 1 pathetic, 2 good, 2 coasters. 12, 1 full, we’re fucking poison to each other. i don’t want that, and i wish so bad i could take back the last 6. make that shit disappear. vanish. gone. never was real. i can’t take the weight off your shoulders. i can be miserable in my head and not give two fucks, or give one hundred and i’d never let another soul into this. i’d put myself in the shittiest of all pathetic positions to defend you. but this isn’t making sense, and you said yourself it’s not fair. i want something, for once, to tell you what’s on my mind while i’m sitting home at 2 am, by myself because of a bad excuse. i want you to take a minute and ask yourself what you think runs through my head when you say “do you want me to walk you to class?” and then, when you figure it out, i want you to talk to me, i want you to get to the end of this, and be able to say something to me. 

i’m cold, stone fucking cold.

i never wanted it to be like this, and now i’m listening to this song that i heard for the first time two years ago on fucking repeat because that’s the us i miss. i miss being too fucking shy to say a word to each other. when we first started talking with our eyes, then hands, then bodies, but not with words. fuck words. they ruined everything. we used to be so great, so up beat, filled with butterflies and gay shit and watch movies together after everyone went to sleep, snuggle every chance. i don’t even like snuggling, but i sure did like being around you, because you proved yourself to me, you were so determined to sweep me off my feet that you’d go out of your ways to do the sweetest shit for me no matter how many times i fucked up. well, look at us now. we took mad advantage of our communication, again with our eyes, hands, bodies, but now there’s words. and they went and done fucked up every single thing. and maybe you too. but you can’t say you’re not getting better. you’re gradual way of trying to wing me off of you isn’t working. this is going to be so hard. but then again, it’s whatever, right? because now when we talk, the big deals are nothing, we blow them off. save the truth up for a while, try to hide it, explode, and never mention it again. the end.

just kidding. i like talking about my feelings. today i feel angry, not sad. so whatever.

i’ve decided to stop posting rants about my feelings. you can’t help. my friends can’t help. my family can’t help. so just let me do my thing and get my shit together, no matter how long it takes. k? and don’t get all mushy or anything like that. i’ve already noticed you’re acting different and distant